Feeling afraid about the idea of being in a relationship and the idea of staying single, both are terrifying.
I love the realness of this question. So much so that I decided to ask a therapist to weigh in. I went live with Candice Czubernat to talk about overcoming fear in dating and singleness. You’ll want to watch our conversation even if you aren’t a person who is dating or single, because it’s seriously good life wisdom. I found the whole conversation refreshing and humanizing in the best way.
Candice Czubernat has been a therapist for 17 years and is the founder of the LGBTQ affirming counseling and coaching practice, The Christian Closet as well as the teletherapy organization Progressive Christian Counseling. In both ministries, she and her team meet with people from all over the world for online telehealth sessions as they navigate the many intersections of life with a Christian faith.
Fear is one of those feelings I feel like I’m not supposed to have, and yet it is also one of the most human emotions there is. Its roots are a deeply engrained instinct for survival. It warns us of potential danger. But sometimes, it does the absolute most when it doesn’t need to.
When it comes to the dual fear of dating and of being single forever, the result can be complete paralysis. We worry about going in either direction because there are too many unknowns. According to Candice, the best first step it to take the time to get specific. She said, “To have [our fears] stay in that big general space is the greatest way for it to totally control your life because there’s no way to deal with that. It’s just so big and so general… Try and actually name what it is that you’re fearful of. Break it down.”
I can personally attest that this is a powerful practice. Once we have a real, honest lay of the land, we can choose how we’d like to move forward. Invite God and trusted friends into the process. Or maybe what you discover leads you to realized that it’s time to see a therapist. If so, go you! Around these parts, we are extremely pro-therapy.
Making peace was a big theme that came up throughout our conversation, namely making peace with ourselves and where we are in the process. The last question I asked Candice was about how to have grace and compassion for ourselves as we are learning to implement the practices she described. It takes a long time to develop new habits, and if you’re like me, that can be frustrating. She said, “It’s good to remember that we are all human and we are all trying to figure this out… none of us have this special answer book that you don’t have.”
If you’re struggling with fear, you’re not weird. You’re a human being. I hope that gives you permission to breathe a little deeper and not be hard on yourself. We’re all trying to figure this life thing out. I’m proud of you for having the courage to be honest and ask the question.
If you found this helpful, I’d love to work together one-on-one! I have some coaching slots available for singles who want to make the most of their right-now lives. You can fill out the interest form here, then schedule your free 60-minute intro call.
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