Yesterday I released the season one finale of ye olde podcast. 'Tis an hour of my friend Tiffany interviewing me about my creative journey, faith, singleness, and unsuitability. It's a season of experimentation for me, of seeing what jives and what biffs it. You have all been so wonderfully supportive throughout all of this, and I'm experiencing emotions just thinking about it.
The people who have been on my podcast so far are just the bravest. Somewhat frequently, I found myself saying, "I know this is scary... why do you think I'm the one asking questions instead of answering them?" I used to think this was reassuring... then I realized this was the feral farm child side of me showing itself again. How could I expect people to be ok with doing something I wouldn't do?
I am a huge fan of Brene Brown. In learning about courage and vulnerability, I've found it is crucial for leaders to model the vulnerability they want to see in their group. I use this principle when I lead a discussion, a group, and I hope to continue this practice as my team grows.
This is not a masochistic or voyeuristic practice. We shouldn't bombard each other with emotional baggage that is disproportionate to the nature of the relationship and the trust that has been built. It's about owning our mistakes, admitting when we are unsure, and putting our money where our mouth is. It's about showing that you are willing to risk rejection for the sake of honesty and connection.
In my voice lesson yesterday, my teacher was leading me through some warm-ups and got really excited about the progress I was making. I was used to singing in a very careful, controlled way, but we have been slowly chipping away at all of my tension and straining to my actual voice, as opposed to my best imitation of a good voice. It was raw and it felt weird and I didn't altogether trust the sound. All of my covering and vocal concealing was to keep my voice and any rejection of it at arms length.
Writing has been a back door that has led me back to singing. Not full time and not professionally, but back into the arena. In this process, I have had to put words and projects out into the world and trust that, though they are imperfect and raw, the risk is worth it. I believe that probably 20% of the time, but that is leaps and bounds above what I believed before.